Rants

What I Have Learned from the 2004 Election.

By Brian C. Joyce
November 4, 2004

1) From here on, facts should be discarded from the political process. Facts about war, deficits, unemployment, and health care can really f*ck up an incumbent's chance for re-election, giving his challenger an automatic advantage. I therefore move to strike fact from the American political process. Furthermore, facts can only confuse the voters. Voters in Ohio, for example, were clearly confused by their epic job losses and the poor economic performance of George W. Bush, juxtaposed to his sunny slogan "the economy is strong and getting stronger!" Out of sheer confusion, they mistakenly voted him into a second term.

2) Having faith in Jesus Christ and doing your best to live your life according to His example is not nearly as important as talking about it very often and very loudly. If necessary, be downright zealous about it.

3) To be a veteran of the arms forces in this country is no longer an admirable quality. It is not to be respected. Whether Democrat (John Kerry, 2004) or Republican (John McCain, 2000), your service to your country, your bravery, dignity, and your patriotism will be questioned by five-time deferrees (Dick Cheney), scumbag political operatives (Karl Rove) and radio hosts with criminal records (Rush Limbaugh, G. Gordon Liddy). Here's something to chew on, Mssrs. McCain and Kerry: you should have just died in Vietnam. Your name would have been put on a wall, to be admired and revered for generations to come, your integrity never questioned, your honor intact. You picked up a gun to defend your country, and lived to tell the story. Big mistake. You should have just picked up a bullhorn and been a male cheerleader for your college football team (George W. Bush). That's a REAL man.

4) Speaking of Bush, gay marriage, and male cheerleaders, how can a former male cheerleader be so anti-gay? Being a male cheerleader is the gayest thing a man can do. Even gay people know that.

5) Stupid American Award #1 - Ohioans. Despite your state's record unemployment during W's first term, thanks to your votes and your votes alone, W will enjoy four more years in office. Way to vote against your own best interests, you dumb inbreds.

6) Stupid American Award #2 - North Carolinians. As Lewis Black likes to point out, having a home-grown son in the White House means one thing for your state: MONEY! Lots of it! Despite having your own senator on the Democratic ticket for the White House, you still voted for his opponent. Way to vote against your own best interests, you dumb inbreds.

7) Stupid American Award #3 - South Dakotans. Your senator, Tom Dashle, was the minority leader of the United States Senate. This means power, which in turn means money for your state. You voted him out of office, in favor of a rookie Republican who will have to spend at least 15 years to attain the political clout that Daschle already had. Way to vote against your own best interests, you dumb inbreds.

8) If I ever have a son, I hope he gets hooked on cocaine. Who knows, he may win 8 years in the White House.